A friend asked a number of weeks ago if I'd considered working collaboratively with another person to help get a handle on some of my creative writing projects. Little known to her, this was a one of a million clues that have been floating around in the back of my memory that finally came to a head. I was listening to NPR last night in the car on the way home. Tom Ashbrook's show, On Point, was discussing a topic involving adults in the workplace. They had a psychiatrist and his wife and featured a number of people who had been diagnosed with the particular condition that was the subject of the show. They started off talking about how this condition was most thoroughly associated as something that affected children, but how adults were also struggling with this condition in the workplace. They started talking about the observable symptoms and I suddenly went from being passive to an intent listener; it was like they were talking about my life story. * Perpetually late for work (this isn't laziness but a relaxed awareness of time * Lack of focus * Disorganization * Restlessness * Difficulty finishing projects * Losing things That led to further questions: * Do you have difficulty concentrating or focusing your attention on one thing? * Do you often start multiple projects at the same time, but rarely finish them? * Do you have trouble with organization? * Do you procrastinate on projects that take a lot of attention to detail? * Do you have problems remembering appointments or obligations? * Do you have trouble staying seated during meetings or other activities? * Are you restless or fidgety? * Do you often lose or misplace things? These symptoms interfere with success at work and get in the way at home or with friends. Once diagnosed, they are relieved that there is a name for the frustration they have felt all their lives, and there are stragies, therapies, and treatments designed to help. As I started to look at these things, I could go right down the list. The condition (as you may have guessed by now) is the adult version of Attention-Deficit Disorder. I checked out this site when I got home: http://www.adultadd.com/2_2_recognizing/2_2_recognizing.jsp It gets better. ADD is considered to be genetic, and this also explains the difficulty my son has been having in school. He's bright, he's smart, but his attentions span can be measured in nano-seconds. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, apparently. ;) So here I am - this explains so very, very many things. I could go on and on (and will at another time). For now, I'm looking to make an appointment to see somebody about getting this checked out. My hope is that knowing this about myself will help me professionally and personally, and help me to be more effective and easier to be around. The radio show mentioned one other fascinating thing - many adults with ADD are very creative. They interviewed a lawyer who manages his ADD with medication. This helps him to do administrative things that would normally be difficult to do. However, he goes off his meds when he's going to be in Court because he feels he is better able to think quickly on his feet and make immediate, decisive alterations to his tenative plan. For myself, I am most content when things are flying at me fast and furious, and the varied kinds of writing that I do bear this out. During the course of a typical day, I'll be working on a chapter for a technical document, writing tech or gaming posts, monitoring tech and gaming forums, reading various articles, writing creative snippets for short stories and novels, and carrying on quick conversations with friends and peers. I've discovered two things that greatly enhance my ability to function: music, and dual-monitor computer set-ups. I've long known that music plays a critical role in enabling me to be productive. I suspect it is because it is dynamic enough to occupy the frenetic side of my brain, releasing my more deliberate side to focus on tasks. This works for work and for home. Also, with dual-monitor setup, I can have a number of different things "in front of me" at once, allowing me to flit from thought to thought and task to task in an organic, intuitive way. In fact, the doctor mentioned that ADD adults seem to go through life intuiting as they go. For me, that means an almost total lack of organization, flowing naturally from one task to the next as it presents itself. I've learned how to force this presentation, making it *appear* that I am organized. However, the truth is revealed in a number of ways, most clearly in my finances. “Paralysis of the Will” is explained in the book You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! “. The experience a failure to act at all - something like a paralysis of the will. The output function totally stops working. When this happens, the Adder may find himself in a frozen state, unable to take appropriate action. He may watch the softball whiz by as if he were a spectator instead of the player responsible for intercepting it. When it's time to answer someone's question, he may stand back feeling stupid, because he can't think of a response." (Kelly and Ramundo, You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!) This is a condition where the person experiences the following problems of the will: “block, inertia, stall, or inability”. Some of the examples are: * Bills not paid until somebody calls on the phone or until service is cut off, when the money is in the bank and there is no intent to accept services w/o paying for them. * Income tax returns late or not filed when there is no intent not to pay taxes (most paid during the year by payroll deductions anyway), and when in fact there is a belief in the tax system and what it produces for us. * Similar credit problems when we know pretty much all there is to know about staying out of debt. * Walking into the kitchen with several days' unwished dishes, thinking "Oh, how disgusting," and then leaving the dishes again. I've learned to manage many of these things using various tools and tricks, but simple willpower alone hasn't been enough. When people learn about this condition, the pyschiatrist mentioned yesterday (in an amused voice) that adults who have this epiphany typically become "born again ADDers" for awhile because they're so excited to learn that they aren't freaks and that there is an explanation for what they're experiencing. I'm in the throes of this, myself, and finding that I'm looking back at my life through new eyes - the scales have fallen away and I can see clearly, now, how this has affected me for my entire life. This excercise carries with it great relief, great sadness, and great appreciation for God and those who have accepted me as I am despite the side-effects of this condition. For now, I've shared this with my fellow writer at work but not with work officials per se. I wanted him to understand that I've learned there are things that I'm doing that may be treatable, and that I appreciate his latitude. I'm still getting work done, but it can be a real challenge at times. Diagnosing this may help me to be a far more effective writer, husband, father, and friend. Ironically, I've always thought that gaming has made me a better driver, more aware of my surroundings, my physical position in the larger ebb and flow of traffic and obstacles. Perhaps there has been a marriage of gaming and ADD because I'm able to focus for the briefest time on so many thousands of things, incorporating them into my life, and still think about other things at the same time. Instead of wasted processing cycles, perhaps this has helped me to have supercharged processing, but not being able to focus for long enough to really see anything substantive develop as a result of that power. Speaking creatively, my problem hasn't been that I'm not creative enough, it's that I've had too many ideas flowing through my head. Snatching one out at random and focussing on it long enough to bring it to fruition is real work, but can be satisfying. I'd love to be able to be a more effective writer across-the-board. I have high hopes for this, expectations, even. I'm planning on seeing somebody and taking things from there. I told Linda first, describing the symptoms and asking her if she thought they fit me. She said very much so, yes. Then I told her what it was and what I was planning to do about it, and she was supportive (and also surprised and relieved). She's on her own meds for other things, and I can't help but think that she's relieved that she's not that only one who will be receiving medicinal help for a physiological condition. In other words, in a strange way, this revelation seems to be bringing us even closer. So here I am less than a day later. It is as if a spotlight has been focused on something that I've always known but didn't know how it manifested or what to do about it. I feel hopeful that I finally turn the corner and start to achieve more with my life and relationships. Instead of having to do a constant juggling act with things that are barely within my control, I feel that I may be finally be positioned to take full control of myself and my circumstances and my contributions to society and my fellow man. I will be very interested to see what I can accomplish when I am enabled to focus my flitting attention and gain control over a life that has, until now, been just a little out of control. johne (phy) cook wisconsin, usa _________________________________________________________________ Express yourself instantly with MSN Messenger! Download today - it's FREE! http://messenger.msn.click-url.com/go/onm00200471ave/direct/01/