At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a
school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a
ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged
by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions
by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves
as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of
the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every
triangle," Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted
us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes."
"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on
protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with
calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of
influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must
differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential
to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we
become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of
vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our once Great Leader would have said:
Read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they
continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around
their necks."
I did warn you...